A Step By Step Guide to Surviving the Winter

By Charles "Chubby" Albert

• FIRST: denial. It is not winter. You have simply chosen to stay indoors. For a few months.

• SECOND: nesting. Time to gather the blankets, the beer, the remote, and some magazines (nothing too daunting, something with lots of pictures).

THEN:

• Hire a temp, mentee, or other minion to go outdoors for the essentials. Pay them with compliments (cheap!)

• Be friendly to babies, who are good sources of crumbs, cookies, and handfuls of gold fish crackers

• Stock up on a variety of take out menus

• Befriend delivery people. When you see them riding by, in the street, be sure to wave in a "I'll be seeing you soon" sort of way.

• Work out WHAT? Who wrote that?? Not me!

• Take up knitting or something else creatively soothing

• Take up a spectator sport, such as hockey, and watch from the comfort of the couch. Feel free to yell at the t.v. screen

• Do NOT, I repeat, NOT, think about world affairs. Such matters are best contemplated, nay! ingested, at a time of year when the sun is shining, you can venture outdoors, and when your party has picked its nominee, already

Thank you. You may now pay me for my wisdom with home-baked goods, or a beer-of-the-month club membership.